Gremlin Graveyard
March 19, 2011
by Dimitri Spanoudakis
Well, where to start... about 3 weeks ago we were all discussing where to wheel for the month of March and Gremlin’s Graveyard came into discussion. Most of us bad-mouthed the trail, including myself, since we all saw the few videos online that the NexTerra club posted. It looked muddy, hardly any obstacles, and a sloppy day. But, we were all in for a decent surprise…
I was one of the last ones to arrive at the Travel Lodge Friday night since I got nailed at work and was stuck in Queens until 5:30. Almost every member was in the lobby making a riot and a few were drinking Evan’s beloved Twisted Teas. As soon as I checked in, I poured myself a cup of Vodka/cranberry and that’s there the sh*t hit the fan. Stephanie broke out pictures of her hot, voluptuous-lipped, sexy, and most of all…TALL friends. Holy bananas, if you ever seen such a big group of adult males drool over a picture, it looked like a bunch of 12-year olds that stole their dad’s Playboy magazine. Everyone had a turn taking mental photographs of the pictures to use later that night, hahah. So what did we find out at the lobby that night…
1. Blaine is only taller than Joe because he has 6” of hair on top of his head, lots of leverage.
So, Brian and his friend might be gay, why? Well…everybody that night drooled over these pics and they were the only 2 that were saying they wouldn’t go out with this girl for the sole fact of being too tall. Mind you, these 2 guys are above 6’ tall and wouldn’t look abnormal next to her. If you were there, you’d know what we’re talking about. No one passes on an opportunity like that due to height, LAME excuse. Sorry guys, but one more shenanigan like that and we might have to put you in the corner with a rainbow t-shirt. The conversations we were having were sometimes perverse, we didn’t know it, and the front desk lady was behind the counter the entire time. She definitely took notes down as to what men want and see in females. We end the night after mid-night and await the morning for breakfast.
We all get to the cafeteria on time and have ourselves a delicious spread of rice crispies, dull waffles that broke apart when you touched them, pulp-less OJ, grainy cream cheese, and cold coffee. Everything a body needs to make you have an accident in your pants in the woods. Evan and Glen were fighting as to who was the big spoon and little spoon, and who farted the best. Joe complained that John A. can’t be roomed with since the room smelled like raw sewage after the night of farting. We meet Rich, our leader for the day in his old-school CJ, and his buddy in a pristine, nice-looking JK. Mmmmm…JKs. There were a lot of rigs, and a whole lot of people! 18 rigs and 25 people to be exact. Of course, JKs took a large number on this ride, 7 if I’m not mistaken. JKs are coming strong, don’t be jealous Evan, we know there isn’t any CJ groups left, they’d all be rusted to the ground or the driver’s will be at the retirement home. It’s ok, just accept it.
We head to the trail and for the most part, it’s an easy deal with lots of mud, water fording, and tree stumps. Our first obstacle was a deep rut with a steep mud embankment climb at the other end. Most of group made it without winching, but since I was out back, I didn’t see much. I think the leader had to winch himself, if I’m not mistaken. It was picking a right line and giving it some happy throttle. To no surprise, we all knew who HATES giving the throttle, Joe, had to give it a few tries before making it. Before even attempting the crossing, my starter gave up. Didn’t want to crank over, the Bendix went out (if that’s how you spell it). Bam Bam (Jake’s brother) had to push me off the stump I was on, had to winch myself over the stump on battery power and a few of the guys tried pushing me down the hill to jump-start, to no avail. Somehow I tried to fire it up again and it worked, didn’t turn the truck off for the next 9 hours.
Well, what this trail did have was great, long, uphill climbs with a few rock ledges thrown into the mix. Without enough throttle, and a decent line, it can go south quickly. There was no stopping mid way and thinking you’re going to recover. SLICK mud everywhere. Lots of winching throughout the day. The leader once again, had to winch on the 1st uphill climb. There were a couple boulders, tree trunks, and whole trees thrown in. Evan gave it a shot screaming once he got to the top, leader’s buddy in his JK made it up with what seemed to be hardly any throttle, or his exhaust is just that quiet. Almost everyone made it up with no issues. DJ and his freshly installed suspension did a great job until the very top. Put himself in a bad spot and had to be winched. Joe, once again got scared of the throttle, and had to be winched. But not only did he have to winch, but Bob B. and myself had to hold the remote connector tightly to the winch since his TMax winch is a POS and doesn’t work properly. Get a Superwinch Joe! Joe gave himself bad juju from the beginning by getting out his winch remote. Throw that into mix with John A’s. Italian bad juju, and he had himself one hell of a day! I throttled up in 1st, Evan made fun of me, hit 2nd and dropped the clutch, made it up. Crazy Colorado man Blaine thought that taking the easy way up the hill would be smart…NOT. We made him back down the entire thing and take the harder line to which he smashed his fender flare on a tree which made for a good show. All for a good laugh Blaine. Not sure if this was the obstacle, but from what people told me, Brian had enough with his ZJ and drove directly straight into a tree. Not brushing against it, just driving full force directly into it as if he aimed for it. I don’t know why. But if he’s doing it for sh*ts and giggles for the club, go for it man! Smash that thing even harder next time.
The 2nd uphill climb was even longer and steeper. Lots of momentum needed here. Jim Jr. in his JK got REALLY sideways on that climb and looked as if he was going over at one point. Without a CB in his truck, I couldn’t communicate with him since I was right behind him. Not enough throttle, not aired down enough, don’t know what happened. He got himself in a bad spot in a hurry. He waived me by, and I just throttled up it in 2nd gear without letting off. The JK does amazing even being open in the front. Stephanie actually stayed in the truck and she loved it! Thought it was going to worse than it really was. Amasa pulled up a couple trucks behind and had a bent rim. Most of us got under the truck quickly and changed out the tire. Evan used a sledge to straighten it out and my OBA setup to air it back up. The rim and tire were fully operational again.
We stop for lunch and Mr. Chef Warren got the BBQ going. We had different types of hot dogs, brats, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, and Steph’s brownies. Warren did his thing on his little BBQ pit and we had a great lunch. One thing is funny though, love seeing Mark bash on Warren, it’s too funny. Though Mark trying to fondle Warren’s butt with his walking stick was a bit much, Warren smiled at it though, so who would’ve thunk it! We continue one, same ol’ mud pits, water fording, etc. A couple times we came across some boulders which we all jumped on as quickly as possible, since you know, we’re all hardcore offroaders! LOL. After that, I don’t remember much, it was much of the same. Though, the leader definitely hasn’t been there in about 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. 20 years…oh yeah….
20 years.
We all head back to the hotel to air up and everyone to load the trailers. We say our goodbyes and hit the road. About 13 of us hit, you guessed it, Cracker Barrel for dinner in CT. We hit the road after filling ourselves with frozen food goodness and fatty Chicken Fried Steaks . Arrived home 11:15ish.
I know I probably missed a lot of crap, there was soo many people and trucks I couldn’t be everywhere at one time. If I did, apologies, well…too bad. All in all Gremlin’s Graveyard was a decent day of wheelin’. A decent day is better than NO day. Great group of people, LOTS of laughs, etc. make it a great weekend.
Until next month’s run…
Meetree
Official Pronouncement:
2. Back to back, it seems that Joe and John A. are the same height, though, logger boots are to blame for that one, sorry John!
3. Don’t show girl pictures to a bunch of middle-aged men over a cell phone, they didn’t have their glasses on and couldn’t see jack! Might as well post it on a highway billboard.
4. Brian and his friend might be border-line gay. (more on this in a few)
5. Whether we like to admit it or not, there is absolutely no shame on discussions in this club whether perverse or not.
Long Island Off Road, Inc. is open to all makes and models of 4x4's and welcomes all of humanity. March was simply the month to give it to the gays and our guest trailmaster, Rich Banfield of Patriot Jeepers. Thanks Rich, we all had a great time.
-The Webmaster.